A Gap-toothed Yokel Takes the Offensive

From the lusty gap-toothed Wife of Bath in Chaucer to Terry Thomas, to Vince Lombardi, to Lauren Hutton to David Letterman to Madonna, I've never been embarrassed by the raging space between my teeth.

Once I asked my dentist if he would have given my braces though my teeth look perfectly straight. I was referring to the slight malocclusion in the back of my mouth that likely contributed to my teeth-grinding at night. He said, "Probably." I realize now that he was probably referring to my gaposis. I was just glad I'd dodged the bullet and never had braces.

Someone once mentioned my gap to me in Julia's presence and she hastily shushed them saying "That's not nice." I suddenly realized that maybe my gap wasn't beautiful to everyone. I actually never thought that it was beautiful, but it was just the way my teeth went. My dad once mentioned that he liked the way my front teeth were shaped, for some reason. I just presumed that he liked the way my teeth were shaped. It never occurred to me that he might have thought that he could divert my attention from my gap.

I even joined a group called "Love That Diastema" which is devoted to the enjoyment of the little space in front. I think loving it is a full-blown fetish. You can presume that a "Diastema" is, in fact, the name for the space. That's how important it is. Apparently we "Diastematics" are known for our creativity, luck and wealth.

The other day I saw a stunning model in a catalog who had far gappier teeth than mine and she was smiling like a cheshire. It was gorgeous. Though I didn't have the presence of mind to scan her and show you, it wouldn't have made me more beautiful if I had. I'm just hoping that being a gap-toothed yokel now comes back into enjoying the admiration it should.